Changing lanes

So my new life as a semi-professional swimmer gets off to a great start.

Up at 7.30am, I am in the pool at 8.

I remember why I used to enjoy coming in the mornings and that's because Jack is there. Jack is one of the men I'm going to marry. I love him but he doesn't love me. Yet.

Actually Jack doesn't even know me but let's not let ignorance stand in the way of our romance.

Back in September I had a very close encounter with Jack which you can read about here.

This morning, again, Jack is there as he is every morning, looking as hot as ever.

If you can make it to my gym at 7.30am, you will see Jack.

Anyway, I go and swim.

I have to say though, it's becoming like a goddam civil war in the fast lane.

This morning we had middle-aged woman doing bloody breast-stroke and average-body man doing crawl.

Average-man was quite fast except his left leg kicked above the water so every time his foot went in, it went "ka-plonk" and splashed.

When you're training for gold, it's these little things that can really fuck-up your training session.

Anyway, because the gym pool is a little over a metre deep I have decided to scout for other venues to train and now I'm bored of talking about this.

Ohmygod. In other news, I only have two months left of being 29. Ohmygod, I'm turning 30. Panic, panic.

Okay panic over. Fuck.

Finally, do you want to hear something really weird? Like it's just a great example of how our world is shrinking and it's all just weird?

So I got a text this morning from my mum.

It's basically, "were you doing something with pigs on the TV a few weeks ago"?

Of course the answer to this is yes, we were out in a field shooting a sequence that involved pigs and we were up to our knees in mud and crap.

I was lying on the ground with the cameraman, sound recordist and lighting guy with his boards, trying to get this pig to sniff the camera lens.

Of course, if you don't know the saying then learn it now. Never work with animals or children.

Here's what happens.

"And cue the piggies running towards the camera. As if the camera is a dead body that the pigs are going to destroy."

"Come on little piggy. Sniff the fucking camera. Be menacing and sniff the fucking camera for fucks' sake."

The pig splutters and does what seems to be a sneeze.

"Oh you fucking cunt animal."

"Is there mud on the lens?"

"Ah for fucks' sake."

"Stupid fucking thing"

"Cut - hold on, we've got mud on the lens because the fucking thing sneezed."

"Bastard."

"Yeah - we're going to have to take it off and clean it. Fuck."

So my mum and dad are sat watching this out-takes programme on TV in Cape Town, with a glass of wine and who pops up?

Me in a red cap swilling around in a pig farm on a cold spring day swearing like a fish wife.

It's weird how the world turns.

And thank god they've only seen the pigs out-take. I hope they don't accidentally end up watching Heavy Homo Spunkers 4 - Dripping Facials.

I don't think my mother would be texting me the next morning.