It was a seminal moment when I looked into the mirror on New Year's Eve in 2004 and saw this huge, big, unhappy, lonely, desperate, pathetic 26-year-old looking back at me.
It's like I was standing on a stage filled with boxes, each marked with an issue that I had dragged along with me.
In the years since then I have slowly managed to kick each of those hideous boxes off the stage. They no longer clutter my life. Thank god.
It has been tough, of course, but all those issues have gone. Banished.
After writing yesterday, I had to really sit and think about why I had nothing to write.
It isn't this blog, it isn't that I have nothing to say, the problem is me.
Right now, in this moment I should be the happiest I have ever been.
There isn't a single issue in my life that haunts me any more. I've kicked them away, neutered them and killed them off.
So I'm left wondering "and now?"
My life feels like I've picked up a newspaper and read it cover to cover. And done the crossword and the Sudoku. It's in my hands but what the fuck is the point of it?
That's why I just feel nothing. Just bla. And emptiness.
I feel like I'm buckshot that's been fired against a wall for no reason. Or a tape that's been put into a machine, rewound half way and then stopped.
All the shit and the stuff that upset me and the stuff that made me depressed, my body, my drinking habits, my lack of money, my struggling in a job, my self esteem - it's all gone.
This is just how I wanted it. I just didn't think it would feel this plain.
This morning I woke up at around 9-ish. I ambled around for a bit.
On the way into work, the Central Line was up the spout so instead I wandered into the HMV and browsed around to find a CD I didn't have.
I strolled out empty-handed.
I got into the office, to a job I can do with my eyes shut.
After a few hours I walked to the M&S, went to the Post Office and walked the long way around Shepherd's Bush green (did you know they've demolished the whole of Shepherd's Bush station?)
Anyway, I am about to go for dinner and chat with friends and ... then go to bed and tomorrow go to gym in the morning and maybe stroll into work again and...
I'm meeting the guy from Profile on Saturday and... life couldn't be better and so it's left me utterly speechless.
I have nothing to say.
Without the issues and the problems and the shit I am totally lost. For the first time in my life it feels like I have no purpose.
Like the warrior who's slayed all his demons and won the battle, I'm now sitting going ... "and now?"
I can't describe the feeling of utter nothingness.
What do I want from life? What do I want to achieve? What the hell am I doing here?
The answer is that I don't know. I really don't have a clue. Help.
Thursday 17 April 2008
Blank. Blank. Blank.
Written by Bobby Vanquish at around 19:15
Related posts: Turning 30
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15 comments:
to create great art you must feel pain, its our troubles and struggles which ignite our souls, thats why my blogs been empty of late. Perceived happiness has a price.
Invent something; cure something; run something; create art for the ages.
I'm afraid you've run into the gay nearly 30 trap - the human imperative is to be born, live, breed and die - breed being tha main one to carry on the human race. As a big woopsie you aren't fulfilling that imperative. If you aren't going to create a life with a lesbian, a yoghurt pot and a chicken baster - what do you wan't to do to better the human race, and leave behind as your legacy?
Your answer to this question is something I would like to work out myself - and i'm going to make a guess that a good percentage of your readers who fall into that cross section of age and sexuality do as well.
its called birthday blues in your case... We all get it from time to time .. You just have to work it through.. I stick my nose to the ground. Busy myself in work. And wait for the grey clouds to blow away. Which they will in time ....
Bob
There is no contentment. I've told you this before. Achieve something, your goal, and there's always something else not quite right.
Like climbing hills. You get to what you thought was the summit, only it isn't.
In my experience, I think it comes down to not having children. Think about it-biologically it makes sense. That is our programing. The focus becomes the nurturing of children.
I'd suggest the happiness that that brings, is enough to forget the numbness of your own life.
That is the biological purpose.
That, and your age. Mid-life crisis. Oh, it's real. Soon you'll be into your "middle youth". For me it started about 31.
I can't say that if you learn to accept that it will get better.
Finally. Look to yourself. You know you wanted to get to where you are, but has it brought what you expected with it. Why exactly did you want it? Have those dreams come true - and if they have is it enough, has it made life perfect?
Ahoj
ps - the solution is to leave comments on other people's blogs. Just to let them know ;)
Life is never truely perfect. You need direction and only you can decide what that is. You need to give yourself a break too, it doesn't matter that there is nothing to say right now. Sometimes we all need that. Just make sure that this does not become the norm and that you do find your place in life.
I think you are inspiring personally.
Ade x
That's the monotony of day to day living. Get used to it my friend. Doesn't it sound as if I know what I'm talking about?lol I tell you when I got a pet it changed my outlook somewhat. There's still questions but...
I have several observations from this side of the pond. I'll try to be brief.
First of all, since the boxes have been unpacked and discarded you are no longer distracted by the drama that was in the boxes. That can be a good thing.
Second, (and I am very guilty of this), it's like you're on the tube waiting to get a destination. You've been keeping track of the stops that you have to make to your destination and now that you're there you're wondering, "Where do I go next? What am I going to do next?" Sometimes there is an answer and sometimes there isn't.
Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Projetores, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://projetor-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.
Oh Bugger it all you are bored!
Do somthing totally challenging and new that taks you so far out of your comfort zone that it's not funny.
when I was 29 I started my own business, hell of a thing to do for the first few years but almost seven years later it's still going!
This reminds me of that episode of Frasier, "Desperately Seeking Closure", where Frasier and Niles finally get the key to the mysterious VIP room at their club, only to find that it leads to the dumpster alley outside.
Good luck with your date on Saturday ... a new man in your life would be a good thing!
Since everyone else has left words of wisdom and insight, I'll contribute this: Get ferrets. At least two. They'll keep you busy and give you ever so much to blog about. :)
Ferrets smell.
New Bobby, new body, new project. Find a man to love you. That will do the trick.
So, no BvQ replies.
bobby. get yourself :/
ahoj
Bobby in crisis. What fun!
I wonder what'll happen when he actually turns the (dreaded) 3-0.
Oooh, I'm getting excited :P
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