I'm in The Hell.
The Hell is the place where I am at my weakest. I am the old me. I am the lame, the loser and the lonely.
It is The Hell, horrible, fucking hell, hell, hell...
So what happens is, today I did some travelling.
And I got back to London at around 7pm-ish.
I was supposed to meet friends but I texted to say I wasn't coming because I had a shit / busy day. This was to get out of drinking.
But it's like a seed has been planted in my brain. So I have to have drink.
Or drugs. Or a club. Or any fucking thing to fill the promise of an addiction.
And I say to myself, 'Bobby, go home' but my brain says "feed me booze and drugs and liquor and give me sex in a sauna and satisfy me with all those other addictions."
But my mind says "Bobby, go home. You're going out next Bank Holiday Sunday - you're on track... don't binge drink and eat.
You know you hate saunas and drinking and _ _ _ _ is not even a consideration."
And then a McDonalds outlet appears I stand there and I look at the menu and the food and the customers and I feel sick and I hate myself.
I want it so badly but I'll hate myself even more for eating it.
And I just wander around Central London, just hoping that somehow this hell will lift.
I go into the Whistlestop shop thinking "if I could have one beer, I would be satisfied", but my mind goes "one beer and all those sit-ups will be useless. You fat cunt."
And I hate myself, I really fucken hate myself.
I know that if I eat I'll get fat. If I drink, I'll get fat but still I wander around. Hopeless, but hoping that something will happen or snap me out this shit.
All this while my brain is going "drink, drink, beer - you want beer... like the good old days, you want beer."
And I have to say that that was a habit and I hate drinking and if I drink beer I will feel shit at the gym tomorrow.
And then I'll be out next Sunday and think "I would have pullled him (the hottest guy here), if only I had not had that beer. I wish I hadn't drank it.
But at the time my mind just goes, "Bobby, drink it - drink that beer. Drink away the pain - drink away the hurt. Drown it all in booze."
This is The Hell. I hate it. I hate it. It fucks me up and it still haunts me.
I hate me when The Hell takes over. It's fucking awful. It's like my brain just wants to go drink, drink, binge, binge, unhappy cry, cry.savohudfsgkl adfskl sdfakl asdfkl asdfgkl fsadg df;guh q34t
a23798PT QEOPWTUG EPWFGUI wsef
fuck this shit.
Thursday 24 April 2008
The Hell
Written by Bobby Vanquish at around 23:04
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15 comments:
you ok?
ah yes. the hell. i used to have my own version of that. and by used to i mean still do at times.
OH! I hear you…
Sometimes, you just have to stop...running, walking real fast, or whatever you are doing and...
Turn around, acknowledge it....”Hey, how are you doing?.... Haven’t seen you for awhile…...Well, that’s great…. So sorry, hate to be rude but.... I see someone across the room I have to talk to, take care(yeah right)…”
Then, turn around again and move on. It happens, it sucks. They say it builds character, I just say it’s a bitch, but what are you going to do?
Sounds like you need a vacation from yourself. 1 day, eat, drink play with whatever and whoever you want. You'll hate yourself as much as you'll thank yourself. Schedule in advance and use the "vacation" rational to subdue the guilt. It works and you really can't do that much damage.
Anon: yeah, I'm fine. Well, as fine as can be when you're sat at your desk at work at 5.46am...!
I had to come in early and get stuff done and - that is half of way the hell frustrates me because it like takes over your whole body and it's the worst.
I should have gone home, maybe gone to gym and then to bed.
Except I just had this terrible addictive urge so I wandered around central London and just kept saying to myself, "bobby, you don't need to drink or smoke or go out or eat McDonalds..." and ... you just can't move your mind on... in the end - i had a beer in a tin on the tube on the way home. That's why I felt like such shit when writing that crap - because it's like I couldn't help myself from giving in. It's pathetic!
Dick: What's your hell?
Anon: It's crap - I hate it. It's like your brain switches to 1970s mode and there's nothing you can do to fight it.
Ja: I know - when I went to South Africa it wasn't much of a me vacation in that I still went to gym everyday and when I got back I have really struggled to get back into the groove at the gym.
Oh this is giving me a panic just thinking about it.
I'm just sick of saying "this summer I wanna look the best yet".. I just have to do it. Thanks for the advice though x
One Beer on the tube - Wooptido (to quote Austin Powers). Letting yourself have one beer is not a biggie - rather than coming into work you could have phoned in sick saying you had the flu - and be heading into a four day long weekend bender.
Every man needs a vice of some sort - I cant drink, dont smoke, never touched drugs, and really dont get much sex. Thats why im finding it so hard to give up chocolate etc which is ruining my health.
You are doing well and if you dont come off the wagon etc or find yourself another outlet for mans natural desire to indulge(I think it comes from the desire to stuff yourself full of "good" stuff to survive famine times); every so often you are going to end up back where you dont want to be.
Don't be so hard on yourself xx
my hell was an addiction of a different sort which some would say is not that bad but literally sent me into crying fits almost every night. porn. gay porn. and lots of it. add being in the closet and a debilitating fear of being found out and it ain't good. and for desert some youtube and depressing songs with thoughts of death each night. et voila!! hell.
Life's about phases. We all go through them. They sometimes last a few hours - sometimes weeks. If we didn't have them we wouldn't be human or feel human.
I've recently turned 30 and have lost 20kgs over the past year. I hit my target weight for my birthday and have kept it at that since. I feel great and don't think I've ever looked as good. It's wonderful.
I've also been thinking about my upcoming beach holiday and how I want to look my best ever for it. I think I will - but it's all about balance. I usually crash diet for two months before summer and look OKish... I've kept it up this year, but do give in some days - that's what Beyonce Days are for - eat and drink whatever you like...
But beer - in a can - on a train? Oh...
Hehe...
Bobby, I think you should be proud of the fact that you didn't go on a bender. Allowing yourself one drink isn't a defeat in my eyes, it's a blinding success, because one is usually the trigger for the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and so on.
I think it takes more to have one and stop, than to abstain altogether.
poor bobster :(
poor person who decideds to move in with bobster!
Whatever happened to your idea of getting a job in the USA?
Carl
hang in there Bobby and don't beat yourself up so much - look at all you've accomplished overall...
so fucking what if every once in a while you have a drink or two - or eat some crappy food - skip the gym for a day or even two! you know you will compensate and work that off..
you got one life mate - enjoy and give in once in a while and tell yourself, "I'm doing this cause I want to, yeah I know the consequences and thats OK - I can deal with them.." in the end it's really no big deal
Big loving bear hug to you Bobs!!!
Guys thanks for all the comments and also for sharing. You know, the weird thing is - and I know I've said it - is that this blog saves me a fortune on therapists' bills.
One-day when I'm rich, you're all going to have to line up so that I can pay you some money...
The other thing I wanted to say is that I am the most un-unique person in the world - that's what this blog has taught me. Because it's nice to know that I'm not alone and that there are other people who've trodden the same path as I have.
Maybe this is for me to sort shit out but it's also a place for you. And I like that.
Thanks for being there..! And thanks for the comments, rude, understanding and empathetic, all of them.
I appreciate it and I have to say, when i log on and see the words "comment awaiting moderation" it always makes me smile a little because it's nice to know that someone is interested.
thank you
x x x
bob-we are all un-unique. So go wallow when u need to. twenty hun or less have done so b4.
But having a handle on yourself is the key.
So go Denmark 07. We allow it.
ahoj
Here is my two cents...
Addiction...you do not have it. If you did, you would have partied, drank, fucked and then regretted it later. You did not do this as you fought off what you wanted to do. You have the ability to rationalize what is good or bad and what you need. Good job for standing up to your desires.
It is OK to have wants and desires and whatever in life. But by controlling them, it gives you drive to focus on what is important to you. (Body, Health, Piece of Mind...)
But, It is OK at times to beat yourself up over stuff. People who tell you not to have no ability to cope with their issues. What you are thinking, why am I having these thoughts...we all go to that hell place. That is OK, it helps to clear out thoughts. It helps you to realize how strong of a person you truly are and what you can accomplish. But don't linger there. If you are there to long you might never come back.
You are a fabulous wonderful individual...and remember...I have known you long than your daughter sweetie.
Had to throw in the AbFab reference.
Be good, be safe...if ya need a trip to Disney World to cheer ya up, let me know....I know people who can help. :0)
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