Stroke and breathe

You are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life.

You have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones.

You are physically repulsive,
Intellectually retarded,
You are morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid...

You have no taste, a lowsy sense of humour and you smell.

You're not even interesting enough to make me sick.

Thanks. I though I should share that. It makes me smile every time.

So remember I told you I was having my room decorated... well, you like what I've done with it?

Yeah, it's not a fucking joke.

That's what it feels like to live in at the moment.

There are bulldog clips holding an old duvet cover in place which is acting as curtains and all the light fittings are hanging out of their sockets.

God, I am so not predisposed to renovating. And it's not like I'm doing it anyway.

Moving on.

On Saturday I was at Profile yeah? And then I totally slagged the place off and all who visit it?

Er, so I get this e-mail at lunchtime...

Hi Bobby,

How are you, hope you had fun on saturday.

Well as it happens i thought it would be nice to meet again.

So if you are up for it, then why don't we meet over a drink/coffee and see what we can get to know about each other and take it from there really......

Hopefully catch up soon.

Chris

Yes, so do the words "take it from there" mean "you come back to my place"?

And secondly "see what we get to know about each other". Does that mean "you can look in my underpants and I into yours"?

Thirdly, the name Chris is jinxed for me.

My dad is called Chris and I think that has meant that I am never ever going to shag someone who shares my dad's name.

There have been numerous close calls, but it's weird. If a guy's called Chris we always become good friends, we never shag.

Oh yeah, and the most and most important thing is that I don't have a clue who this guy is.

I wasn't even drunk but I don't remember giving my e-mail out to anyone, especially not my work one.

I remember talking to a barman or someone who worked there at one stage who was quite hot and I think called Chris but ... hmmm.... it's a mystery.

Of course this will all be cleared up when I write back but is it rude to say "sorry, I don't know who the fuck you are!?' What if they're super hot and I repel them with my filthy attitude?

Oh well.

So anyway... in the gym pool this evening. Ohmygod. I'm swimming and then there's this other really fit guy in my lane.

And I swim especially slow as I near the end of the pool where he's stood so I can check out the lower half of his body under water.

I swim more and he swims and I swim faster and he can't keep up and I lap him and...

.. then I come into dock at the end of the lane and stand up to clear my goggles to get a look at the upper half.

And he says, with a fake and forced laugh... "so you swim good - yeah?"

I smile, say thanks and then he says something like "you have tip to swim fast?" and I can't place his accent.

He has olive skin, stubble and a shaved head on number 1 with big arms and a great chest. It is all smooth and shining with the water.

So I say maybe we should sit somewhere and I'll show you how to swim well. And we adjourn to the sauna where he sits right next to me.

I can feel the heat, from his arm radiating onto mine.

And the sweat starts to break out, all over his body and it runs down his pecs and then my knee touches his leg and he looks at me and moves in and I can see movement in his black Speedo.

And then he leans in and I take his head with my hand and our lips lock and I put my hand gently on his stomach and he pulls me in closer, with determination. Our tongues are enmeshed with sweat and spit, the heat of the sauna making our kiss soft, hot and wet.

Whoops!

Sorry, I mean; I'm standing in the pool and I say "well, what's most important about the stroke is pulling under the water" and I show him the movement but in my head all I can think about is what I'd like to do to him in the sauna.

He listens attentively and because he seems interested I go on for longer than I should. But I can't really get out because there is a semi.

I show him the breathing and the arm stroke, finish and carry on swimming to wear the blood flow off.

He now seems to be getting on fine so I get out and take a cold shower.