Game for a laugh

I've been doing some investigating.

Every night I have my swim in the gym and it's getting longer and longer. Tonight I did 40 lengths, at pace, non-stop.

From lengths 20 - 30 I alternate - swimming up is freestyle and down is breast stroke.

This evening I managed to passive-aggressive five people out of my lane (I know I used an adjective as a verb but work with me here...).

So the point of this is that I think I want to participate in the next Gay Games and I think that my stroke is going to be freestyle.

When I was younger (oh god, here we go...) I used to be a very good swimmer until high school when I just got bored with swimming up and down and up and down.

Instead of being totally motivated by the boys in Speedos I was just like "ah, whatever - swim without me, I don't care."

But now I think, well what if I had stuck with it? I swam for my school and at one stage even did trials for our province.

When I'm swimming in the gym and making all the other fuckers get out my way, I just wish one of them would stop and say "excuse me, but I'll race you, slowest one has to get out."

What you do is put markers at either end of the pool and then start at the same end. First to swim back and forth and pick up the marker is the winner.

The next Gay Games is in 2010 so I have two years to train. I think participating at 32 is okay. Look at Mark Foster, a British swimmer, he's 40 and still swimming competitively.

And let's be honest. The Gay Games isn't about being fast, just looking good in a swimming costume. Surely?

I am going to start training for this now. Except if it means having to get up early in the morning to swim.

I have also been contemplating who I should swim for.

I was born in Zimbabwe, grew up in South Africa and Britain. I have a British and South Africa passport but am also entitled to a Zimbabwean one.

I think it would be great if I could swim for Zimbabwe. They'd all be like "what? a white gay Jew from a country where white people, gay people and Jews are all persecuted?! Who knew..."

This is also good because if you come last then everyone will say, "hello! He's from Zimbabwe where they don't even have swimming pools so actually he did better than all of them."

And everyone will clap for me and it'll be a great feel-good story and I'll get loads of mercy shags.

Of course the Gay Games is not about that at all. Who the hell suggested that?!

So I'd better start training because, let's be honest, it's not about the taking part, it's all about winning.

Unless, of course, I don't win. Then it's all about taking part.

Now, to check that I'm a good swimmer I have had to take a few photos...

These are the two poses...

They show me ready to dive and cheering my team-mates on in the 4x100 freestyle relay.

A big of jiggery-pokery on Photoshop and hello!

The crowd are sitting on the edge, the swimmers under starters' orders - will this be Bobby's record-breaker?



And then...

"Swim faster you fuckers... last one to the finish doesn't get to join the soap-up in the showers afterwards!"

Ohmygod, I'm so gonna swim these fuckers under the table actually. If you get what I mean.


Oh yeah, I'm not Jewish. My uncle and his wife are Jewish so it half counts.