After a truly shit day at work I got home at around 11pm. On a Friday night.
So the first thing I do is check who's awake and who isn't.
Downstairs the TV is turned off but the light is on in Neighbour No 1's room.
He is at home on a Friday night? Hmm... this is not good. Maybe he's oiling up before he goes out to get onto his podium.
With the last three days having been complete crap, I try to medicate with a bottle of Boschendal 2004 Shiraz but it doesn't work and after about half a glass I feel sick and throw the rest down the sink.
The rest of the glass, not the bottle!
Anyway... this morning I wake up with renewed vigour. Today the postman is coming so I may get the chance to learn at least one of New Neighbour's names.
Until then, as it's been suggested, maybe it's time I knocked on their door with a lame excuse to borrow something, aimed at checking them out in their natural habitat.
So I have come up with a few scenarios. For this I need your input.
Which do you think is the most credible?
Knock-on no. 1
"Hello, I was just upstairs working out and I wondered if you wouldn't mind coming upstairs to adjust my dumbbells for me?
I know it's only 4kgs but it's not what you have but how you work it. Thanks"
Knock-on no. 2
I was walking home from the office and this bastard in a 4x4 splashed me and as you can see, my suit is now falling off. Do you have a cotton and thread I could borrow? Whoops! There go the trousers... Thanks."
(I don't what my stomach is doing with that odd fold...?!)
Knock-one no. 3
"I was just about to put my buns in the oven when I realised that I didn't have any self-raising flour, would you like to come upstairs and lick out the bowl? Thanks."
Knock-one no. 4
"Lord! I am in the hurry to work and I just realised I have run out of clean aussieBums. Do you have any I could borrow? Wanna fuck?
Thanks."
So those are the four scenarios I have come up with. I think they are pretty credible.
Shit, I gotta go. I think I hear a movement downstairs.
Saturday 15 March 2008
Knocking on
Written by Bobby Vanquish at around 10:12
Related posts: Neighborinos
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21 comments:
Too funny... Judging by the guy's bedroom, or at least what you've shown us of it, I'd go with the second, suited scenario.
Then again, don't set yourself up to be disappointed. Are you sure your flatmate has good taste? They could look like Alan Carr...
A
I think all four are appropriate, in fact you're done now and only need to write bobbyvanquish.blogspot.com in lipstick on their door and wait for them to come knockin'.
A: You're so clever - based on the embroidered pillow, maybe it should be the suit one.
I don't know if they have good taste - one of them smokes, because there is an ashtray on their deck. If they look like Alan Carr (ugly comedian) then I am moving out....
Auctor: This is the best idea - writing a little note in lipstick on their door!
I could write: "come upstairs boys - I have nothing on except the radio."
Classy.
Mmmmmm. I say you leave them the blog address and let them pick the outfit.
And get busy with that camera/boom installation. That's a pro level 24p camera so I'm expecting some nice pictures.
Ummm... how about you knocking on their door and introducing yourself as their neighbour? Too classy, right?
When all else fails, show up at their door, a little drunk (shocker!) and say these two words: "Wanna fuck?"
**
BTW, how long did it take you to think of those scenarios and pose for the pics?
You should go with #4, but leave out the first two sentences.
Well, I can't speak for your neighbours..but I wouldn't mind you knocking on my door under any of the 4 scenarios though I'd prefer #1.
I like #3 - though I'm a little scared with the knife placement.
Decisions. Decisions.
If I were them, I would want scenario #4. However, I think your readers have given you 2 good options, the first one being write your blog name on the door.
I also like the drunk scenario but I would put a twist on the suggestion. You actually don't have to be drunk; you can act, correct? And stand there naked and tell them that you're drunk and locked yourself out of the flat and ask if you can stay with them until someone with a spare key can let you back in. And be sure not ask for any of their spare clothing.
You can hope one of them has an unusual name for googling/facebook.
I think you could have been more flattering with your pixellation in pick 4. If number 4 is how your going to come knocking on your neighbours - let me know when their lease is up. :OP
Couple of other suggestions - borrow a camera from work and show up asking if they wan't to take part in a documentary on people moving house.
Or you could just set off your fire alarm then go down to apologise with a bottle of wine.
You should write the blog address on their newspaper like you did on the subway. Could you imagine if they found the blog? They would be at the door in a heartbeat!
Auctor: Standy for the feed please.
Steven: Introducing myself the usual way? Don't be ridiculous. What if they're normal too and want to be my friend??
Neighbour: Wanna fuck?
Scot: Dem dumbbells are heavy, you know... I could always use an extra pair of hands...
Jon C: Don't panic about the knives. They're there to protect and serve - not to kill and destroy!
Timmy: Being naked means there could be some sort of shower scenario. Sans le towel.
Maybe the blog name on the door is the best idea. That way, at least they will have something to present in court when I am up in front of the prosecution!
Fleet: It was cold when I took the picture. Do not quint and do not assume anything.
Yes, I plan to set off the smoke alarm and pitch up with me and a bottle of red.
Anon: They'd either be at the door in a heartbeat or on the phone to the police in a heartbeart.
Bobby, I have to say scenario 2 and 4 are my faves; with 4 being the most risque you've EVER posted on your blog...and shit...that's enough to send the lot of us into a ferver! :X haha...and is Brighton that bad?! And HE is moving there...not me...and besides relative to CA...being in Brighton would definitely afford ease in Bobby Stalking lol :P
Have an awesome weekend you sexy bitch! ;)
Bry
i want number 4! i want number 4! but if you're at all nervous about that one perhaps you should use me as a guinea pig to see how it would turn out. you know like a dry cum. i mean run. haha. though i have to warn you, if you show up to mine like that you'll never leave.
number 4! hehe and i love how your not covering your cock! lol
I say go with the first look... it's sexy and with just the right amount of skin... makes them keep coming back for more...
fI: I don't know what's wrong with picture 4... there's nothing to see. Even if you squint!
Dick: Thanks for the warning - I may have to try a dry run at some point too...
Mike: It was cold and I had to huddle...
Anon: Good idea... and I keep my dignity too. Or at least what dignity I have left.
If any.
Wouldn't it be delightfully ironic if they too had a blog discussing how they they could orchestrate double-teaming you? Unlikely, but I still see you spending some time googling, just in case....
Stephen: I have done some searching and I can't find anything. But it would be the best irony if somewhere out there, there was a blog which was going on about "we have just moved on - there's a gay upstairs - wonder if he's hot... may have to know on his door wearing nothing except a lion cloth."
If you see one - please point it out!!
Just discovered your blog and have been most pleasantly surprised with this marvellous posting! I am soooo wishing I lived downstairs from you and you turned up in No. 4. sigh...
Keep up the good work! ;-)
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