The Welsh rower

In a month's time I will be in Cape Town on the beach.

I don't know where my countdown timer gets 35 days from, but that's apparently right according to the calendar. Even though it's a month ago.

Tonight it's about 2C in London and there is frost on all the cars. It is 28C in Cape Town.

I go to bed at night dreaming of the sand beneath my feet and inbetween my toes (though not in my bumcrack which always hurts.)

Actually - do you want to know what real pain is?

Go for a very long run along the beachfront and then when you are at your sweatiest and the midday sun is at its hottest, sit down in the sand.

Then after the sand has permeated every single nook in your undercarriage, stand up and vigorously scratch your ass.

That, my friends, is pain.

I am also dreaming about alcohol too.

The last alcoholic drink I had was a Smirnoff Ice at Juicy in Area on January 1st. I remember it well.

If you could magically teleport me, so that right at this moment, I was lying on a beach with an ice-cold San Miguel in my hand I would allow you to keep me as your sex slave for 40 days and 40 nights.

So all this talk of the beach has one important aspect; what to wear.

Now I have done some surfing (geddit) and I think the latest fashion is naked.

No, not naked as in your dangly bits hanging around, I mean naked as in swimwear like this...

Can we all just agree that this is one sexy muthafukka with some seriously sexy swimwear on? (Even if the pose is a bit ridiculous...)

Having done some very thorough research I have discovered that these trunks are from aussieBum

So I have ordered three pairs.

The best bit is that you can't really tell they're aussieBum which makes them good.

Anyway enough of that... get this.

Tonight I went on my most dangerous assignment yet. Check it out, bitches..

It's everyone's second-favourite X-Factor finalist.

That's right. I bravely took my mobile phone into the gym and papped dear Rhydian on the rowing machine.

This was taken from the gym mat while I was doing sit-ups. It's him in the middle.

So what do we know?

Well, he drinks his water out of a used Diet Coke bottle and he wears New Balance shoes.

He was wearing a black T-shirt from the musical Godspell and he had a jacket which said Kylie Minogue on the back, in silver lettering. Interesting.

For someone who's apparently signed a £1million record deal with Simon Cowell, you'd think he could afford more than a used Diet Coke bottle to drink out of.