And we're back from the break.
So to the worst shag ever.
Well, We never even got as far as a shag because...
It was a(nother) Gaydar meet and I went to his flat in Canary Wharf and he worked in the City and again, he was clearly loaded.
And one other thing, I reckon he was wedded as well (to a woman).
The apartment just looked too "married" if you know what I mean i.e. there were pictures on one of bookcases turned flat.
Anyway - so we start kissing a bit and he's a quite good kisser and things start to get a little more intense. This is all happening on the couch in the lounge.
He then stands up and says we should take our clothes off and he does so - removing everything (like "straight" men do). And of course I glance down to check what equipment he's wheeling out.
I look and I think er - has he maybe wiped his willy clean with toilet paper because there are all these little white flecks all over it.
Okay, I am not going to go any further but basically I said "what's that on your dick?"
He looks sheepishly and says "oh - yeah..." and tries to wipe it away but it doesn't kinda go away.
I can't bear to look any closer because it's quite obvious what it is because I can smell it.
Had I not moved back I would have thrown up. It was fucking cheese / smegma / ohmygod.
I just remember scrambling to put my clothes on and going "mate, you really need to wash that."
God knows what possessed me but I then literally ran out his house, down the stairs across the plaza, through the shopping centre and into Canary Wharf station on the Jubilee Line, now renamed Smegma Junction.
The image is seered into my brain. Beware of willies that appear to have white flecks of loo paper on them.
It goes down as the worst fucken shag I have ever had and I was barely even undressed.
He was very handsome in a Wall Street kinda way and had a good body but his cock stank like the fromagerie counter at Harrods.
Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.
So come on... that's my story, can you beat it?
The worst shag you ever, ever had - I would love to hear it please. Remember - you can always be anonymous and it doesn't have to be long.
To help inspire you, I've given you a picture. Here, for your delight, is a random picture from a cookery book.
Tuesday 8 January 2008
Fleck me not
Written by Bobby Vanquish at around 22:21
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12 comments:
Can I tell two stories? Well even if I can't I'm still gonna:
First one was in the dorms at uni, I was in bed asleep and someone I thought was my bf of the time had snuck in. I didn't realise until my real bf tried sneaking in.
The second one was just gross. I was drunk, very drunk and he picked me up at a club. I ended up going back to his place. He wore some sort of corset, and had the smallest dick I have ever seen. Of course he had the obligatory dick fromage. Surprisingly I sobered up and ran. He ended up stalking me as well.
My first time with a guy. It was my golf intructor. I was 16. He was way older than that, but never revealed his true age. He took advantage of me, but I ran away and got lost in the woods which surrounded the dump he parked his car in. I saw St. Elmo's fires that night.
It's such a long and interesting story (not very funny, but hey, it's still a story), maybe you'll read about it in a blog someday.
by Super Anonymous
Happened to me once, I ran too....
Compliments on your very fine choice re: the graphic. It rather captures it all, doesn't it?
I'm not sure I should have read this post having not had brekkie yet, and only a day over the Norovirus.
My worst was with a guy who only wears thong underwear, and shaves all his body hair. I tend to like at least some sense of manliness about them.
Similar to the smegma - the other thing that shocks me on shagdar is on someone puts pics of their cock on there and its actually scabby. I don't need my business degree to tell me that is not a good marketing strategy. Even the Bodyshop would struggle to be that "natural"
omg...grosssssssssss. i fink i gonna spew. sies and no comment, never been down that road yet thank fuck.
Isn't Smegma was a car made by Nissan?
The Nissan Smegma? Yes, I'm sure it is.
Carl
Isn't it just possible that they guy was a host of one of those cooking shows on the tele sort of like Jamie Oliver, the Naked Chef and he used his ding done to stir the cheese as he ran out of regular stirring spoons?
This seems plausible.
At least he tried to clean things up for you.
He probably couldn't figure out why you were so out of there. I mean, he knew you were coming and took a swipe around the outside with toilet paper to clean things up for you.
Sheesh! What do you want?
you guys are all gross. Am off for dinner shortly but feel pretty sick. Euch.
Personally i never go down there on guys so i am pleased to never have had that encounter.
Please pick up to tone My Vanquish
Super Anon: I await to read this story actually. Of course sex isn't always something that you can look back on and laugh at. It does actually fuck some people up. Please share - if you think it would help. x
Fleet: Shaved and thongs sounds quite sexy. Like Borat. Have you seen that wrestling scene?
Hello - like homogay heaven! (sorta)
Seahorse: Count your blessings honey.
Carl: You're probably right. And it was probably built to compete with the Diahatsu Vulva.
Anon: Yeah, blame it on the spoons!
More Anon: It wasn't toilet paper but it was VERY smelly. Urgh. Camenbert anyone?
CSS: We have picked up the tone and are not going to talk about gross things anymore. We're going to become positively Victorian from now on!
I meant to say he didn't have a spoon and used his ding dong to stir the recipe.
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