Don't soap me, rub me instead...

I don't mean this to sound like an advert but iTunes is great.

This is because you can find songs that you haven't heard in ages, download just the tune and not the entire album.

I have been furiously buying hordes of old 90s crap that reminds me of our school socials.

The Shuffle I use in the gym is packed with tasteless shite that's just...

Well, here are five examples of the aforementioned crud:

1/ Inner Circle - Sweat (a la la la long)
2/ Dr Alban - It's My Life
3/ Violent Femmes - Blister In The Sun
4/ 2 Unlimited - Let The Beat Control Your Body
5/ Urban Cookie Collective - The Key, The Secret

If you know any of these (hideous) tracks then we must be around the same age.

Actually, do you remember the follow-up track to that ridiculous song 'Short Dick Man'?

It went something like "they call you Mr Personality because you're so ugly!" Ad nauseum.

Anyway, while the music might be utter crap it's great that they stir memories.

I thought that I loved school but it really fucked me up.

It's taken more than ten years to get over it.

The problem was basically this...(bearing in mind that in South Africa the school year goes from January - December)

In the November before I left I was living in a boarding house with strict rules and a regimented living

By the next February I had a car, was living on my own in a flat and had a steady supply of cash, all sponsored by my parents.

It's no wonder I spun so spectacularly out of control.

The words "boarding school" immediately conjure up images of tacky 70s porn films with communal showers but it was nothing like that.

Yes, you got to see a lot of naked guys but think of it thus...

Imagine being in the gym showers and everyday, at the same time there are the same group of guys in the showers.

It's no different to sports change-rooms anywhere in the world.

Out of context it sounds like a sexy recipe but in reality; day-in, day-out it really isn't (or wasn't.)

There was never any "can I soap your back?"

It was the odd things that were sexy or erotic.

One of the images that sticks in my mind was one hot weekend at the swimming pool.

There were about four of us lying by the pool, all in our Speedos. I'm going to invent names to make it more simple; so there was me (Bobby), Simon, Jonathan and Guy.

We all played waterpolo but Simon and Guy were in the first team.

For first team waterpolo, imagine exactly this...

So we were tanning by the pool and Simon asked Guy to rub some lotion in his back.

They stand up and start to do it. Of course being straight neither of them blinks or raises an eyelid and Guy squirts the cream into his hand and massages it into Simon's very muscular back.

He rubs down into the small of his back, both of them stood there in their costumes.

Wanting to make sure that Simon doesn't get burnt Guy begins to rub the cream around Simon's waist with both hands on his hips.

He is slowly reaching around and rubbing the sides of his Simon's perfect sixpack which is shining with the oil under the sun.

At this point I nearly fucken explode and have to turn to lie on my stomach.

It must have been more than 11 years ago but I can see them rubbing each other up.

There was no naked or sex or gay love but it was one of the sexiest things I have or had ever seen.