There are two bits of extra to this story.
The first is that a colleague of mine, who's also a friend of mine, lives within about 100 yards of my house.
She - who will be called Anna - and I are both voracious curtain-twitchers so nothing that happens in our Hood escapes our attention.
The second extra information sounds more exciting than the reality. It is that sometimes I get driven to work.
So.
One morning last summer I was up early and went out to get into the car. Except the driver didn't see me coming.
But he certainly was!
His seat was reclined and through the back window on the opposite side it was quite clear he was having an early morning wank.
I reacted like you do when you witness something like that. At first you can't actually believe what you've just seen.
So I walked back around to the other side of the road and approached from the front so he could see me.
He sat up, I got in and we went to work.
(He was seriously not hot and it actually made me wince when he handed me the pen at the end of the ride to sign his duty log)
So Anna says one night she was standing on her balcony and in the bushes below a black cabbie driver (the cab was black, not him) got out to take a pee in the bushes.
Then she says he moved further into the bushes and was stood there for a few minutes.
He wasn't there checking the wildlife.
Isn't it funny how, if you're with friends you can say "last night my boyfriend came around" and you know the code means "we shagged."
But when have you asked someone how their evening was for them to reply, "well I had the most a-ma-ma-ma-zing wank ever!"
And girls don't wank ever, do they?
So here's a list - score yourself please and I have to know the results. 1 point for each.
You don't have to tell me which ones, just your score. Of course I'll totally love you if you tell me where you scored...
1/ I have wanked in the shower at the gym
2/ I have tossed one off on a train journey
3/ I have had a sneaky shuffle under the blanket on a long-haul flight
4/ I one whacked one off at work
5/ In a place other than my bed, I have been caught jackin off by someone else
You tell me yours, I'll tell you mine.
And feel free to add any more points, please... I'd love you to outrage me.
i.e. "I wanked off in a space shuffle and the spunk floated away" etc. You can leave comments anonymously but be honest!
Sunday 6 January 2008
Knuckle shuffle
Written by Bobby Vanquish at around 21:22
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23 comments:
I've had a wank on the M25 stuck in traffic many years ago
1 and 4. Shower and work.
Also, ...
While driving...
On a tour of a historical house, in the closet...
In the woods....
In a cabin standing in front of window that was open....
In a lake while skinny dipping...
Shit, I'm a nun! I score zero!!!
But I gave a blowjob while he was driving 140 km/h on a highway and there was a drunk girl half-asleep in the backseat. Does it still count?
andre are you really Gillian Taylforth?
I've done 1, 4 and 5.
2 and 3 is a no as to many people, and security cameras on the Train and certainly on the Plane I would be fearing for my life anyway.
5 I have two stories.
When I was 13 I was nearly caught wanking in a rural car park by one of the stars of All Creatures Great and Small.
The other really weird place i've done it was in the middle of a WWII museum in France. Suppose you could have said I was having a Tommy Tank.
All five, but also I have others to add. Every flight over 3 hours long (usually in the toilet though, but twice under the blanket while the lights were dimmed and the stranger beside me asleep, at least I hope so).
Also under my jacket on a long (4hour) bus journey, in the very back seat with nobody else on the row, but someone directly in front of me.
I (or should I saw we...myself and another guy) were caught wanking each other in bed in a dorm of a hostel, by an older man, who the following night asked me if it was his turn!!
In an elevator. It was an old fashioned kind with the metal rail that you can slide open between floors to make the lift stop. I hope there wasn't a camera there. When I'd finished and the elevator got to the ground floor, there was about 6 people standing there waiting. I am sure they knew what I'd been doing..
Andre you are a nun for sure.
If you would have been in a car wreck, you would have been killed for sure too. Bad Andre...!
HAHA! I love all this honesty. Firstly to Andrea for admitting he blew someone while speeding down the highway at 140. Ohmygod! You're such a pervo (loving you). Have you seen Basic Instinct 2? Stan Collymore gives Sharon Stone the finger while she speeds through the streets of London in a sports car.
Just while we're on it - I scored all five.
Anon: How the hell did you jack off in the traffic without people in trucks / 4x4s seeing? Unless you were in a truck?
Second anon: On a tour of an historical house? Ohmygod - tell me it was Buckingham Palace or Windsor Castle.
Fleet: I can understand the museum. They're a bit like libraries which everyone has wanked in. Haven't they?
Graham: The flight to Cape Town is 12 hours long so I think I'm going to have to whack one out to celebrate. I shall take pictures as evidence and post them - of course. And the lift - I just love the psychology of people. Like, "Ohmygod - I can't hold it in any longer, I am going to toss one off right here, right now." And I bet the eyeful that man got is still his wank material to this day!
Second anon says, it was some little cabin type of farm house historical place. Not Windsor or Buckingham Palace at all. Hey, there was no one around and I was horney as all get out, so why not?
I am intrigued in knowing why Graham would do this with someone beside him or in front of him on a bus etc.? Do you get off on doing it in public with people around and not geting caught?
Because for me, it was just because I was horney. Nothing else.
Traveling down the road for me, I didn't have to worry about being seen as the cars are all traveling at the same rate of speed and noone passed me. So, I could be in a car.
Am I the only one who has done that on a major highway? Hasn't anybody else in here done that?
Oh, yeah in a University Library as well. Forgot about that one.
@ fleetmonkey: ahahaha yep that's me!
http://www.its-behind-you.com/gallery753.html
@ bobby: ops, I wasn't aware you could comment as anonymous.. now my reputation is even lower than before! Like Sharon Stone's career (loved that part of the movie tho!)
5. Blush. Also under the stars on a yacht, just off the equator and 1000 miles from land.
Anon: Okay - yeah, I've wanked while driving down the highway too. It was rather difficult but quite thrilling.
Sometimes when you're terrible horny there's just no other option.
Gillian: Your reputation may be in the gutter but at least it joins mine there too.
Edd,d: You win the most glam wank-off award. The prize is a rubber glove and some vaseline.
4/5.
You did forget to mention club toilets though, surely a must.
Having done some more research actually I think Andre is "worse" than Gillian.
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_qn4158/is_20040421/ai_n12781810
"Remember poor Gillian Taylforth, the actress whom a snooping policeman caught in a lay-by performing on her boyfriend an act which, she later told a libel court, was a medical procedure on his lower abdomen. When a jury, after due and serious consideration, decided that what had been happening was just a sweet little blowjob, Taylforth's humiliation made front-page news"
Gillian wasn't going at speed. Although I don't think we will see Andre doing panto in that orrible gold number from the picture.
Anon 2 says. Oh yeah, while laying on a large classroom board meeting type of table in a classroom at college.
Yes, it is thrilling on the road, shorts down around your ankles too.
Zero. How the hell did I only get zero!
4/5 so i don't get an award for public decency?
London P: Only if you were alone, does it count. Because of course if there were two of you in there, you were obviously there just checking that each other's make-up. Not doing anything else.
Actually, you get an extra point if it was a club in Ibiza.
(I had to do that once in Space to relieve some awful tension).
Fleet: I wouldn't be surprised if Andre also wore gold lycra and a big hat.
Anon: What the hell happens if you need to brake and your shorts are caught on the fucking accelerator? So wreckless, so unsafe, so fabulous.
Oliver: You're a nun. No-one gets zero out of five. (between you and me, do you actually a willy?) If you like, you're welcome to come around and I can check for you.
Gabriel: You get the prude award! I was expecting at least a 7 out of 5...
@ fleet & bobby: ah ah ah, very funny, taking the piss out of the poor gillian, who isn't here to reply. (or is she?)
I love this part about the whole "BJ on the 4wheels" story:
"The court effectively found that she had committed the sex act - a video from a party where Taylforth brandished a sausage and claimed she gave good head - was introduced in evidence"
btw, I once wore white lycra and a big hat. white is the new gold, babes.
yup all of the above except the last one.
favourite is elevators for sure but london very tricky unless you hanging out in canary wharf with skyscrapers around.
previous hangouts include the 'Allied Bank building' in Oudtshoorn, SA.; the 'Golden Acre building' in Cape Town, SA.; the 'Empire State building' in NY, USA.; Sandton City in Johannesburg, SA (numerous times hehe)...
Airports - Miami/Cape Town
and numerous casinos all over the show whilst mighty high on illegal goodies. :-(
the idea ofcourse never to be caught making the thrill all the more exciting! oooh oooh i just remembered, also on top of Signal Hill in cape town twice and once in Pretoria on top of that famous hill whatever the fuck they call it now who knows.
Seahorse: God - so many places. Some could accuse of being a wanker?! Sorry - you walked straight into that joke.
And everyone's had a wank up the top of Signal Hill...!
Except me... Zero, zilch out of five. I never was much of a wanker. :-(
Pete: Yes - I was waiting for someone to use that line! :-)
3/5...The shower at the high end spa counts, right?! :X
Oh...there was this one time when I was way younger, under the sheets, while my straight, girl cousin was sitting at the foot of my bed...:X
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