Queasy does it

Saturday morning and I wake up with Samantha Fox playing in my head. This amuses and pisses me off in equal measure. I decide to haul out some Marilyn Manson to try and dislodge her but she will not budge.

I have to do some shopping so trundle off to the nearest conflagration which happens to be Oxford Street.

I go into that mega-Boots opposite Mexx but the vapid masses dressed up in their mediocrity, stinking of Jade Goody perfume frighten me so I run back home.

Enough of this bollocks.

Anyway - so the legs competition is still running (geddit!) because I've received another entry. Yey! Please, if you have a happy-snap of your legs (or otherwise) please mail it to me: bobby.vanquish@gmail.com

These legs are fit too with some nice bulk to them. The quads look pretty big too which is great. What I like most about the picture is what's in the top right hand corner.

Which leads me nicely onto another photo I receive.

There's no explanation necessary suffice to say that I've saved all of your and his blushes with the large white box. (Even though he has nothing to blush about, trust me...)

There's no beating around the bush with this entry. Loving it.

The contest was supposed to be about the legs you walk on, not your middle leg! However, I think this picture is totally eligible. I love chutzpah and sending this takes a massive dose of it. Respek!

(Please, no jokes about "stiff competition" etc. However, further photos of a similar nature will be very gratefully received. E-mail as above...)

So since we're into all this superficial rubbish about who-looks-like-what, I thought that we should have more pictures.

Four things I'm not keen on. I don't know why I need to do this but here goes...

Yes, I know it's obvious but I don't dig hairy backs. If I met the man of my dreams and he took off his shirt to reveal a hairy back, I would get over it? Maybe. Probably.

Next on the "not" list is over-worked-out guys. I know steroids don't shrink the size of your willy but there's something about - hmmm... Not nice. I'm not turned on.

Bad tattoos are next. Tattoos of football stadiums. Tattoos of Jesus' "face". Ancient tahiti script arm tattoos. Tattoos in the small of your back. Nah, not keen.

What if the man of my dreams dropped his shirt to reveal a tattoo? I'd get over it easily. Unless it was all over his whole back. And it was a picture of SuperMarioLand. Or this...

Finally, on our "bad" list, it's piercings. This is where I draw the line. All of the above I can live with, body piercings I can't. Ears are fine, nose studs and eyebrows maybe.

Belly-button rings? Nope. Nipples? Absolutely not. Is it purely for pleasure? I've had a go at navel piercings before and my position isn't changed.

If I met the man of my dreams and he dropped his drawers to reveal a pierced knob I would have to stop. I'd go cold.

Aesthetically I think it looks awful. Apparently guys with rings through their willys can't pee in a straight line (is this true?) and I have a pathetic threshold for pain so even just looking at pictures of a pierced knob makes me wince.

People with studs in the napes of their neck also make me feel slightly queasy.

This picture is about as much as turn-on for me as a bowl of cat food.

Now listen, while trying to write this - the following has been happening...


The reason the video ends so abruptly is because the bedroom door opened and I was faced with the question that everyone has battled to answer at some point; "what on earth are you doing?"