Rescue me

It's nearly 3.40am and I've just got in.

I had to go into the office to do some admin, I got tangled up in it, didn't realise the time and suddenly it was midnight.

About to leave, my phone buzzes with a text from Colleague.

"With some mates - you up for some fun?"

Fifteen minutes and a few texts later, I'm standing naked in a large bedroom somewhere in St John's Wood. There are seven of us including me.

Two guys are top-n-tail on the bed, porn is playing and someone is tapping away in the corner with their credit card. I am offered and of course it would be rude to say no.

Though I decline to stick the small brown bottle near my nose too.

I do not kiss anyone because I can see where their mouths have been.

In fact, I decide to keep my mouth away from everything which prompts one of the guys to wonder if I'm actually straight. I assure him that I'm not.

There are three guys lying in a row (Colleague at one end), two on the floor and me standing in front of another lad at the end of the bed.

Guys move around and I'm now kneeling with one leg out on the bed, two down the front and one at the back.

I only give "it" up on special occasions (i.e. when there's just me and another) and this is not one of them but I am happy for his face to be down there.

There are now two down the front, one down the back and another is hugging me from behind and kissing the back of my neck.

And do you know what? I'm thinking that I need to find the receipt I misplaced so that I can claim back Thursday's lunch.

I move away as the others carry on. I sit watching porn and wonder how they filmed it. And whether the actors are on a set or in a real house. I make another trip to the mirror.

Nearly 3am and I decide to pack it in. Two of the guys have asked that, if I'm needing to, could I finish off in their faces.

Right then I am more than happy to do so. I try really hard to get it into their eyes.

I get dressed to leave while Colleague and two others continue on the bed. I don't get a chance to say good-bye or "wanna meet for lunch on Tuesday?"

Back in the car I smell my hands and they stink. I'm pretty sure I stink generally. I stink of cheap and trashy. And maybe even a whiff of regret.

Of the seven guys, two were a couple, one had a boyfriend who was on holiday the other had a boyfriend who was at work. Three of us were single.

There were some sexy moments, of course there were. I would have left earlier had their not been but despite them I feel empty.

It was obvious that I was the only one who attends gym on a regular basis. It was evident from seeing myself in the mirror and it was evident too by the reaction from the other guys.

Of course it's not going to happen in a room full of naked men in NW8 but right now I wish that I could have someone say to me "I like you because you are really funny - or smart".

Not "I like you because you have a really great _ _ _ _*, may I _ _ _ _ it?"

I need to go and shower and try and get some sleep because I'm drained in every sense of the word. I am drained because inside I feel hollow and empty too.

Sometimes you can be the centre of attention but all the compliments and gestures count for nothing when there's no-one to give it back to.

Tonight I've learnt (again) that sex without love is just smelly. There were six guys lined up to prove it.

So I take a deep gulp and admit that sometimes it is shite being single. Especially at 4.40am, sitting alone on my couch and stinking of other people's sex. Stinking of their enjoyment, not mine.

I guess I'm going to have to resort to giving my pillow a nice big meaningful hug. For the moment I'll pass on smooching it.

* = pair of arms / dick / butt / chest etc.