Barely functioning

I woke up naked in bed this morning, late for work with the worse hang-over in the world. I am never drinking again.

And my ass really really hurts.

Yeah - I'll explain it in excrutiating detail in a bit. For now though, I'm going back to my box. To hide.

18.00 Edit

The reason my ass hurts is because on Wednesday I decided to use a personal trainer at gym, to get back into doing legs.

He worked me good and proper and on Thursday morning I could barely stand. It's now Friday afternoon and I'm still aching. The pain runs all the way up my legs to my bum.

The worst is when I walk down stairs or sit on the loo. I am in agony but it's muscle ache from work-out so that's good agony.

Yesterday we had to go out to do some location recces - that means visiting the place where you're going to film to make sure that there's a good restaurant, a pub and a sauna good light, access and space.

We were finished at around 3pm so decided to have a drink - to celebrate an excellent day's work.

The people who I work with are all, like me, slightly unhinged which means the plan to have one drink was never going to be a success.

There were six of us but three of them bailed because they could see where the evening was headed.

I woke up this morning, naked and still a little pissed in bed with The Fear. If you like a good boozer then you'll know what The Fear is.

The Fear is when you wake up and go "oh-fuck... I really hope I didn't do - ohmygod I think I did. Fuck."

This is why I had The Fear this morning.

1. We went into a bar where there was music playing except there was no-one on the dancefloor because the music was crap. Trying to dance we ended up shouting at the DJ to play good music. After a while we were asked to leave.

2. Moving to another pub there was a woman standing on a stage singing Madonna. I thought she was rubbish so began singing (screaming) twice as loud.

A Tina Turner tune was next, singing as she walked over to me - still screaming the words. She held the microphone in my face but I grabbed it and sang to the end of Simply The Best.

It wasn't a karaoke evening. She was the singer the pub had hired for the night.

At the end of the song the punters cheered and wanted more but the singer was obviously pissed so we were asked to leave. Again.

3. At the station waiting for the last train home, we were making so much noise (singing Simply The Best), the station manager had to come over and threaten to kick us out if we didn't shut up.

There was also me flirting with straight waitor (a girl), my colleague Laura dry-humping a Bentley parked in the road and Lisa, other colleague, stumbling into someone's table in the Italian restaurant where we had dinner and more wine.

Now, not only do my legs ache from gym but now also from too much booze too.

So I'm going to crawl back to my box and mark my words...

I am never ever drinking another drink in the world ever again. Ever.

Another bloody Edit

I'd forgotten that I'd taken this video at the train station just before we got told off by the station superviser because we were making too much noise.

(And look closely - when the train passes you'll see Lisa lying on the bench sleeping.)

Disgusting behaviour. Outrageous. Big-it!


I'm sorry you had to see that! But finally...

Look at what I spotted in one of the shop windows. Is this not the gayest thing you've ever seen in your entire life?

Don't you love how the guy's jacket is undone to reveal a heaving great chest.

Because of course all gays are muscular and all they really want to do is just get naked and have sex with each other.

This is the kind of gift a straight person would buy a gay. And where on earth would you put this er, object d'art?

(I make that joke at the risk of someone saying "up your bum", again because obviously all gays put things up their bums.)