Good-bye Gaydar

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm sitting at home bored.

Yes, the clue to what happens next is in the title. So before I know it I'm in Marble Arch, outside the front door of a guy who's name I forget.

He answers it in a white vest and tracksuit pants. He is seriously fit.

In my fat days I would have to go onto Gaydar and look for other guys. Nowadays it's much easier.

I log on, wait and it's not long before that stupid "boing" effect goes.

You can't intellectualise what happens because it's obvious. Good pics and okay body on Gaydar means you find what you want much easier. It's that shallow and that vacuous.

Anyway, this guy seems loaded because his flat is beautiful. He tells me he's a property developer.

We sit around in his lounge and the uncomfortable conversation ensues; "so...", "er...", "yeah...".

Thankfully he makes a move and hey presto we're naked in his bedroom.

He has a very nice, hairy but clipped chest, massive shoulders, an amazing tan and a really good sixpack. Kiss, kiss, etc. etc.

Next, we're lying top and tail (a number between 68 and 70) and I suddenly become completely disengaged.

"This is all nice and exciting but what happens afterwards? We make out, I lie there for a while, he makes small talk, I look for an excuse to leave. He says 'maybe see you again sometime' which he doesn't really mean but he says it anyway. I say 'that would be nice' even though I probably don't mean it either."

Suddenly I just think that this is all such a waste of time so I stop.

I sit up and say to him "mate, I'm sorry - I'm not into this..." He looks really crest-fallen.

"It's not you, it's me" I say, which is the truth but he won't believe me.

I'm back at home and log back into Gaydar.

I have two more messages from guys who're interested in meeting. The one guy, according to his pics is hotter then the property developer I've just deserted.

Instead of hitting reply I push "delete profile".

On Gaydar you can quite literally line up a new shag for every day of the week. But where does it leave you in the end?

Feeling soulless and empty in a jacuzzi in a gay sauna is one thing, feeling it in your lounge at home in front of a PC is quite another.

So it's good-bye Gaydar.

Good-bye to "you up for chem session?" Good-bye to "you into groups?" And good-bye to "nice body, ever thought about making some money from it?"

Chucking Gaydar in the bin makes me feel slightly less trashy, less slaggy. For a Sunday night it's a good feeling.

I'll probably sign back onto it in a few weeks when I'm sick of being pious and wholesome.

When I do that I might even try and find Property Developer again, to carry on from where we left off.

I'm pretty sure that in the meantime he'll have worked his way through a few other gays. I bet none of them will stop halfway with an attack of conscience.