Last night I dreamt of my very first boyfriend.
We broke up after he cheated on me. In the last throws of the relationship a mutual loathing built up and we haven't really spoken since.
It was difficult though. He was fresh out of school and in his first year at Med School, still in the closet. I was a second year lay-about Arts student with loads of gay friends.
However, in my dream we were back together after a chance meeting and it was him who was so happy to see me. We kissed, hugged and made out, laughed, chatted and kissed some more.
Would I like to be back together? Not really, the fucker really broke my heart.
Still though, I went to look and see if he had a profile on Facebook. The last time he wasn't on but now he is.
I considered poking him or sending a message but I would be irritated (I mean upset) if he didn't reply.
I loved Conrad so much. I remember our first meeting and holding hands together, I was 18 and he 17.
We used to go for walks on a promenade near his house. We spent our first night together after I sneaked into his bedroom.
On two occasions he came around to my flat to spend the night. Walking up to Uni the next morning was the best time in the world.
He would always get a girlfriend (friend who was a girl) to tell his mum that Conrad was spending the night at her house.
Breaking up with him was part of the reason my life began to skid so spectacularly out of control.
The last time I spoke to him was on the mobile phone - a tear-filled screaming match about how "I still love you - I can forgive you" and him insisting "I want to move on...".
I think in the end he did apologies for what he did, I don't really remember.
Sobbing into a cellphone while driving isn't always best practise and I ended up smashing into the car in front of me. That was the last time I spoke to him.
I think perhaps I could send Conrad a message on Facebook.
Or maybe I'm just being a dog, returning to its own vomit. Like a fool returning to a past folly.
The Uni plaza where Conrad and I would sit and have our lunch together in the first few months of his first year.
Friday 28 September 2007
Sweet dreams are made of this
Written by Bobby Vanquish at around 16:08
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8 comments:
Don't send him a message. Do all you can do to press delete in your brain.
I agree with Brechi.
Don't contact him.
Spend your time trying to meet someone who wants to be with you rather than someone who doesn't want too. Life will be a whole lot sweeter if you do.
Don't fucking poke him.
Sorry to be blunt, but like he said move on. Treasure the memories, learn from the mistakes and file it under experience. Leaving sleeping dogs lie and all that
On the other hand, if you truly have moved on what is the harm of an innocent message, expect nothing and you cant be disappointed.
what ever you choose, good luck.x
don't go there....
Brechi: Yeah - I dunno where the dream came from but it's stirred up all these feelings that I thought I'd forgotten. I feel like I've dredged a river.
Hey Carl, yeah I'm not going to contact him. It's tempting though but I don't ... it's like it's still too subjective for me to see it rationally.
Edd.D: The wierd thing is that I thought I had moved on but I've been thinking about it / him all day. I'd like to think that I can't be disappointed but maybe I should just leave some things alone.
Gabriel: Of course I'm going to say I won't ...! I know I shouldn't. He really did break my heart. I need to remind myself of of how shit I felt...
I don't know. I think it's easier to just walk away from it and prevent yourself from making the contact than it is to sit and actually confront what it is about you, or him, that makes you want to go back. *shrug*
It's kind of a slippery slope though. You have to be really clear on the why, before you do anything. But what the hell do I know?
What are your reasons for saying hello? Fond sentimentality, general inquisitiveness, a yearning heart? Find that answer and the course of action might become clearer.
I was with Ben for 5 years. I thought he was the one and we'd be together forever. Simon was 7 1/2 years. I thought we'd be together forever. I met by design Simon a few days before Christmas 2005. Since then I bumped into him by accident once, when I was with Xfe, in the local.
I'd like to say hello to Ben just to see where and how he is (in his life), but it's not a burning desire. It just crosses my mind on the occasions (like this) I think of him. I've had no contact with him since the last day I saw him-sometime about 1995.
With Simon, I've no real need or thought to contact him, but I do like to think that he's content, happy. And that would be nice to know...
ahoj
I ll just go against everyone and say contact him, even though I would never do it myself and wouldn't recommend it unless you are totally over him which really never happens. I just want to be different from the crowd.
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