No list is good

The first time I ever heard the word "fuck" was while watching Robocop. My parents had said I could watch it, despite it being an 18.

I remeber them coming in halfway through to turn it off. They must have thought it was some sort of cartoon, clearly it wasn't.

The were wise when it came to The Witches of Eastwick though. I was banned from watching that.

My mother thought the film was evil. It still didn't stop me even though, at the time I didn't understand any of it.

Farah Fawcett's tits were the first I'd ever seen on screen - in a really ropey movie called Extremeties. I remember when I saw them I just thought "god - she really should cover up."

The first willy I saw on TV was Nicholas Clay's in Lady Chatterley's Lover. He was washing in the garden and Lady Chatterley stumbled upon him.

I cannot describe the feeling when I saw him naked. This warm, exciting voltage surged through me. I think I must have been about 11 years old at the time.

The first time I wanked was by accident - isn't it always? I remember always having to toss-off with a condom because I figured that that's how it worked.

I used to buy packs of condoms at our local chemist, one for each wank. The chemist must have thought I was some nympho-teen-slag because I was there once a week.

That warm, exicting voltage again washed over me the first time I watched Rocky Horror. Rocky's blonde hair and muscles packed into those hotpants & gold fuck-me boots actually still turns me on.

The first woman I ever French-kissed was at a school disco. I never grabbed her boobs. Instead while Boyz II Men serenaded, I thought of shopping lists.

The first porno I ever watched was an American movie dubbed into German starring Ron Jeremy and Traci Lords. Why is that the first porno movie one watches is always a dodgy American one dubbed into German?

"Oooh, ooh mein herr - fich meh... fich meh... dis zoh goed ya... zoh goed!"

In my final year at school I bought my first gay porn movie. It was a sequence of guys having sex around a swimming pool. That warm, exciting voltage washed over me as one of the models pulled down the other's Speedo.

The one kneeling down took the other guy's willy in his mouth and I exploded right there. About 30 seconds into the scene.

It was a bit like my first time. At boarding school I began talking to a guy a year above me. The conversation led to us talking about "have you ever...?"

I figured he was leading onto something and he figured the same. I was 17 at the time.

We ended up walking, later that evening, to a secluded part of the rugby field. Down an embankment under a clump of trees.

I wasn't really into kissing but we did it nonetheless. He then reached down and felt my crotch. He then put his hands into my pants and we ended up pulling each other's down around our knees.

He knelt down and through his mouth, gave me the biggest warm surge of electricity, the likes of which I hadn't ever felt before.

I was so pent-up and excited I didn't last long. It was the most amazing feeling in the whole world.

I definitely wasn't making up shopping lists then.