So I get to the gym, roughly at the same time. Working out are roughly the same people as the night before and the same tunes are playing just as they were 24 horus previously.
I'm excited because I am ready to say hello to Rory* whatever happens.
Leaving the changeroom I scan the benches, he's not there. I get to the gym floor and I don't spot him. To the weights section and he's not there either.
I decide to run - this is the time he's usually at the gym and I'm ready with a smile. I run and run... 20 minutes pass and no Rory.
I've psyched myself up for this and he's not there. I run some more and some more but I'm doing it in vain. Rory's not coming and I'm not going to get my hello.
I realise it's getting silly to I stop running and try to do shoulders but it's all a bit hollow.
I'm wasting my time and I don't really want to be there so I shower and leave. Maybe another time, maybe tomorrow.
Whatever.
Anyway, listen - if you're over 30 can I ask you something? Was being 29 like the worst year of your life?
Not only am I having "where's my fucking future husband" crises but I am also having a "ohmygod, I'm nearly 30" crises too.
But do you know, I am actually looking forward to turning 30.
I got a message via Bookface today. I didn't have a clue who the guy was who tried to request to be my "friend" so I sent him a little not asking him, diplomatically, who the fuck was he?
"We met up at the Pick 'n Pay (supermarket in South Africa) in Rondebosch (place in South Africa) and went back to your place for..."
Ohmygod, I so don't remember that.
However, after a little e-mail to and fro-ing some vague recollections surface. It was in 1998, much of which I spent drunk. I was 20 years old the time.
(By the way, the guy on Bookface doesn't look like the back end of a bus, thank god...)
Anyway, that's why I can't wait to turn 30. I cannot wait to put all that shit behind me.
I spent a lot of my 20s drunk, fat, depressed, upset, struggling, sad and perhaps lonely because I never shared anything with anyone. Instead I drank Pinot Noir and ate McDonalds.
When I was depressed I would sometimes use sex to try and raise my self esteem. Being 110kgs (243lbs) I ended up "interacting" with people who I wouldn't have usually. It made me feel cheap and disgusted with myself.
So I ate more and drank more to numb the pain.
Sometimes I get a little sad to think that I pissed all those years away. Your youth should be a time of discovery and excitement. It wasn't for me.
I know there are more "we met in the supermarket" stories.
I really need to try and remember those years because I need to put all those tales into little bubbles and send them off into the Universe never to return. I need to do all of this before I turn 30 next June.
There is a lot I have to share with you.
Wednesday, 7 November 2007
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8 comments:
No body is perfect. Pun intended. :-)
Dont be hard on yourself - life is about discovery .. some go a whole life time without finding out any answers... let alone THE answer.
actually rory was waiting in the shower, scrubbing his skin over and over again until it was getting raw while you were running/doing shoulders out there. he probably took a valium when he got home, feeling dejected he never saw you as well. the time will come :)
That always seems to be that way, just tell yourself that you'll do it next time, and actually do it.
I actually was nervous when I turned 30...but I have to say, my 30's have been better than my 20's thus far. Now, I am 33 (the age Jesus died) and I'mthinking, shit...what have I done with my life!!!
There isn't a bit of difference between age 29 and 364 days old and 30 years old.
There is nothing either magical or dissappointing about it at all. Try not to expend any energy on that birthday approaching. (My Birthday is in June too!)
From an armchair phychologist point of view, I'd say turning 30 has nothing to do what you are unhappy about. I think you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed by things you feel that you missed out on, or things you want in your life right now.
So the answer is to find out what you are missing and go after it.
For instance, I wanted a better job, so I went after it step by step. I knew I had to go to college to get that job, so I put one foot in front of the other and went for it.
Sit down and map it out, what you want in your life in the short term, and then in the long term and then figure out what steps you have to take to get it accomplished and set out to do them so they will happen.
That way, when you turn 30, you'll say "hey, this is great. I feel good about being 30, am happy about where I am in life and as time goes on, life will feel better for you, no matter what age you are.
I don't think about age at all because I think I am doing what I want to do and enjoying it. I'm doing what I set out to do.
Do I need to take an inventory of things I want to do and change in my life too? Yep. And I will probably be making some changes one day soon too due to needing a change in my life as well.
I agree with Silly Billy about the discovery part of life. We make our mistakes along the way and learn from them. Discovery is a big part of life. I've given up on finding the answers in life. Sometimes, I barely even know the questions.
But, from what I read in your blogs, you seem to be making good progress and you get this thing tugging at you every now and then telling you that your not happy with this or that, and you seem to make corrections and head in a new direction. So that is good.
Figure out what you want in life. Write them down, and figure out what you need to do to get to the goals. Make short term goals and long term goals. When you achieve them, you'll be happy with things at whatever age you are.
Remember when you went out on a limb to go to London? That was a gutsy move. And you did it. Most people would have never even tried what you did out of fear alone. Probably me included. You did it though. Good for you!!
Now set some more goals and go for it.
I hope I don't sound all preachy or anything, but many times, 'my father' and the way he trained me tends to come out of me with the advice and all.
Gotta run.
Oh, bring back more of those cute pics to share when you were little from South Africa. I love looking at peoples baby pics. They are so cute.
Carl
I agree that my thirties have been great, certainly better than my twenties. My life seems more settled and I am more confident about who I am. Just relax and enjoy it, either way you will turn thirty so it may as well be with a smile on your face.....
CT: Yeah, I understand that it's all a journey - it just feels a bit stupid when you keep making the same mistakes and can't help yourself making them. That seems to indicate youth! Depressing as that sounds...
Gabriel: I thought that that's why he probably saw things too. He went home and took a Valium and went to bed and cried into his pillow. Poor soul. He's waiting for me I know it.
Oliver: Next time I really will do it. I promise.
Silly Billy: 33 and you're thinking "have I done with my life?" Matey - list all the things you have done and you'll find that actually it's quite long you know!!
Carl: You don't sound preachy and thanks for the comment. I have to say though that you grow more enigmatic every day (which is cool). I think I apparently still have to send you pair of my underpants don't I? haha...
Anon: I have plans for my 30th! Lots of plans... I hope they don't just stay on the planning board though... In fact I know they won't!
Yeah, you can send them to me.... or I'll get them from you in person.... Grrrrrr!!! :)
Carl
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