After London Preppy mentioned The Trunks that he and I both have, a few of you came to visit me for the first time.
I guess you saw the photo I posted yesterday in the gym and had a look around and saw the "fat" one I posted a few days ago and have asked me what happened / how did I do it?
So how did I do it? Simple, I started going to the gym.
The why bit is a slightly longer story...
Growing up I had every thing I wanted.
I went to a private school, my parents paid for University until I dropped out, they bought me a flat and cars which I repeatedly crashed.
The problem with my mum and dad is that - well, I hate to say this but it's taken my sister and I years to fully accept it - but they weren't very good at being parents.
This is very personal - but fuckit - I might as well tell you since I haven't really told anyone else.
My dad was bullied very badly at school.
He was dyslexic and his parents (my grandparents) just thought that my dad was a bit slow so they sent him off to boarding school in the middle of nowhere.
It's amazing and depressing to think that the effects of what bullies did to my dad at school, trickled all the way down and affected me so many years later.
The result what happened at his school is that my dad never shows any emotion because he never wants to look weak. He simply cannot do it.
In the 29 years that I have known him and the 26 years my sister has - he has never once said to either of us "I love you."
All my sister and I ever wanted was for my dad to tell us that he loved and appreciated us. Except he never did.
Instead he bought us presents to try and show his love - because of what had been done to him he couldn't bring himself to say it.
He paid for everything and was there to write out cheques when we asked him to.
But when you have everything there's still a void. New cars and flats are not what I wanted from him.
And so you can see how I started to skid off the rails.
I started to drink and drink and I dropped out of University and partied and drank. And I got fat and depressed and hated myself.
Of course it was even worse being gay, because you would go out clubbing, for example, and be surrounded by really fit guys while you, the bloater, were stood in the corner.
It all came to a head on New Year's Even 2004/5.
I had been out a party, having spent the last three weeks pissed and eating chips / kebabs / takeaways.
I got home at around 3am, pissed and badly depressed.
I just thought;
"Bobby - why do you feel like shit? It's because you look like shit.
Why do you look like shit? Because you drink too much and you eat too much.
Why is that? Because you're trying to self destruct in spite of your parents."
And that was my epiphany. I was self-destructing in spite of my dad.
I soon as I realised that, it stopped.
Suddenly there was no point to what I was doing.
I was on a stage doing a dance of destruction to get my dad to notice me and I suddenly realised that he wasn't even in the audience watching.
He doesn't know what he put me though and I can't ever tell him because he just wouldn't understand. He would say "but we gave you everything you wanted."
All I would say is "Dad, all I ever wanted was for you to tell me that you loved me. Except you never did."
A few months after that evening I was flicking through a Men's Health magazine looking at the fit guys with sixpacks and I just said to myself; "fuckit - I want to look like that too.." And that's how I was able to get on with the gym-thing.
Simple as.
Tuesday 12 February 2008
What made me
Written by Bobby Vanquish at around 22:08
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11 comments:
Listen, dont take this as critical, but i dont see how you get from a dad not being able to tell you he loves you, but who buys you stuff instead to show you he loves you, to skidding off the rails? Did you believe he didnt love you? Did you feel unloved? and therefore unloveable??
I think most dads are distant (particularily here in blighty where its practically de rigeur). Besides, i thought with boys it was alway about your mother? Oedipus and all that. Maybe thats just me.....
It's easy in the midst of all our hurt to not realize that parents often do the best parenting they are capable of. The hard part is forgiving them and telling them why.
You've figured your dad out and know why he is the way he is. Tell him you love him every chance you get. And then tell yourself the same.
W: What I mean is my dad substituted money / presents etc. for every emotion. When I did well at school we would never say "well done" instead he would buy me something and say "this is because you got an A".
And it worked conversely too - when he missed things like my school galas he would never apologise to say that he couldn't come - he would buy a present to make up for it. After a while you just want to say; 'Dad - I don't want money / presents / gifts - just be like a normal dad and say "son, I'm proud of you" etc.
Bolt: Good point. The thing is you can't be angry at your parents - you just have to accept that they did what they thought was right. Even though it was pretty wrong. I am not bitter or angry anymore because there's nothing you can do. So you just learn to grow up, accept it and move on.
It's so weird that tonight I was posting a VERY similar blog to yours, but then decided to delete it. Maybe it was karma telling me that someone was already covering the same topic, somewhere else, and in a much better English.
As you know, I've been raised by parents who were more like best friends than authority figures to me. I've been spoiled my whole life with presents/gifts too, and I never learnt what does "struggle" or "desire" mean, because I had everything I wanted.
I've been through similar phases of self-loathing and confusion, maybe because it's hard to build your inner set of values and sense of responsibility when your parents don't provide you with a rigid frame of rules while growing up.
So that's why I have a strong emphatic attachment to your story. However, sometimes I'm scared I might touch the bottom again. How do you know that you are safe from self-destruction? I dunno, maybe this is a confused phase I'm going through right now, but not sure if I party because I enjoy it or because I can't simply stop doing it...
This is officialy the longest comment I've ever written :)
Straight men tend not to show their emotions. My father rarely told me that he loved me but I was never in any doubt that he did. You can never tell your family members (including parents) enough that you love them.
bobby, i can certainly sympathise with how you feel about your relationship with your dad. my dad was severely affected as a child too. his dad (my grandpa), as my mum told me, loved him so much but it ended tragically when my grandpa was brutally murdered by communists as part of the chinese cultural revolution. my dad, from then on, lived in absolute poverty with his 6 brothers and 1 sister. the effects of my dad's troubled upbringing impact on me, as he is always emotionally detached. similar to your dad, my father substituted affection and emotional support with material gifts and wealth so that i wouldn't have to experience the same burden as he did when he was a child. i agree with you on the point that a comfortable lifestyle can never replace the love and support of a father.
Oh, I feel for so many of you affected by this.
I too am affected by some of things listed above but it hasn't affected me near as greatly as it sounds like it did others. It hasn't been acted out so to speak.
I did have that frame work that Andre talked about big time. Overly strict.
In all my searching for the answers, I have come to the understanding that if everyone would open up and be truthful about the way it was for them growing up, they'd find that they were not in the minority but in the majority. Most peoples parents 'didn't' tell them that they loved them etc. It's suppose to be a natural thing for that to be understood as you are offspring. It was also a product of the time of their growing up and in specific cultures too that emotions and stuff weren't shared, especially among males... i.e. fathers. So, you are NOT alone at all in this.
I never got out of hand and went on drinking binges etc. It all seemed to fall into line for me. Maybe because of tha framework. I waa neer spoiled, and worked for everything I ever got.
But I did speak my peace on the issue about 'speaking' the words of loving someone for acceptance etc. to them. Even then it was hard for my dad to force it out of his mouth. Because it isn't done. Old habits die hard.
I didn't get any gifts or I love you's, explanation, or aplogies for not being present at galas etc.
Am I bitter...? Nope. Life goes on. I had a great life growing up. And I didn't and wouldn't self destruct myself due to something like this.
Oddly enough.... I think my parents were GREAT parents. Not perfect, did some things wrong, and had their own faults, but all in all did a great job in spite of the problems.
I have found that it is way easier to focus on the good things that your parents did and be grateful for them instead of focusing on what you didn't get. I chose to have a grateful heart and found that it works. You'd be suprised if you made a list of things your parents did do good for you how long the list is.
Something someone told me once though rings true. "It doesn't take much to tell a child that they did a good job" We are all best to remember this one and put it into practice.
I believe that most people would benefit from having an open line of conversation in a non threatening and non attacking way with their parents on the issue of wanting to hear those words that they are loved. Go talk to them about it.
I did. I got it. It was hard for him to say, but it was said. It meant a lot to me and helped me. Hopefully this will give someone else in here a sense of healing if they broach the subject too with their parent(s) in a non threateing way, but just casual conversation.
Bobby...thanx for putting that out there. Not everyone has had a perfect relationship with their parents. I'm not jealous of those who did but I can somewhat relate to those who didn't.
I agree that you should just take any chance you have to tell him you love him. I'm sure you realize this, but he was just doing his best and it's really unfortunate that it ended up not being all that good. Thankfully you came to terms with it and recovered. Just one question, and you (obviously) don't have to answer it because it's extremely personal and the only reason I ask is for my own situation, how did he react when you came out?
Also, I love how you're using 'bloater' in your everyday language now :).
So you've traded the self-loathing of an unattended child for the dysmorphia that results from letting Men's Health define your aesthetic standard. Tsk tsk. All I'm hearing are onionskin layers of insecurity. Keep peeling!
"But when you have everything there's still a void."
I couldn't agree more, people who are less financially fortunate think the wealthy have it all, that we have everything we could ever want, but they don't realise that we often lack what need most.
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