I am the world's worst sentimentalist and I sometimes wish I wasn't.
I hold onto things that mean something to look back at them, usually with an anxious longing. I find memories uneasy but comforting.
I've been paging through old diaries and wondering where all that time went.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop all the clocks and live in the here and now for ever.
Diary, February 5th 2003
"Went to Swiss Cottage job centre for interview. Possibly something at Caledonian club in Victoria. Maybe promising. Dunno if I wanna work in a private members club though... who knows - would be funny if they employed a South African to work in a Scottish Men's club. Maybe surname might swing it...
Send copy of my passport to Adecco in Oxford Street.
Interview for Trainee Studio Manager tomorrow at BBC World Service (tel: 0207 826 7804)
Ref: 58756WW
hope BBC job goes well. am sick of applying.
Money left: £450. Must find job NB!"
Diary, February 6th 2008
"Went to gym this morning and swam 100 lengths - took 45 minutes. Jubilee Line up the spout.
Sat all day writing stupid scripts - have completely run out of inspiration. Had camera crew moaning because we keep shifting shoot time tomorrow. Whingeing bastards.
Saw Ben The Rent at gym tonight. Feel sorry for him... he looked upset for some reason.
Got home and wrote entry into online diary that people who I've never met read - and I hope enjoy.
Money left till pay-day on 15th: £200. Fuck. Must calm down spending NB!"
I don't know who's out there and I don't know if they exist but sometimes I like to think that there are people watching over us, helping us.
Looking back at what I did five years, in 2003, makes me slightly sad, because I remember, the day before that interview I was quite stressed.
And looking back makes me so thankful at the same time too.
It could easily have been so different.
Things could not have worked out as they have, I could have not been sitting here (god knows where I'd be) and you wouldn't be reading this.
Sometimes you have to say a little thank you to everyone in the Universe who's given your life a little push forward.
Thank you to those whose invisible hands have steered you in the right direction and those who've made sure that you're happy and healthy five years on.
Of course although I don't really know you and you don't really know me, I still think I should thank those who've made it possible for the paths in our lives to cross.
Tonight, I guess that that's what I am thankful for.
4 comments:
Maybe I'm just as embarrassingly sentimental as you are, but your writing is so beautiful when it's introspective. It's really very touching.
A few months ago I was writing my personal statement for a law school application and I had to do a similar thing..go through all of my old journals and diaries, trying to figure out how the mess that's been my life somehow led me to the point I'm at now (and then spin that into why I should be allowed in, but that's besides the point). It's really scary when you think of how small, momentary incidents make all the difference. I tend not to believe in someone/something guiding me, but I still think it's amazing (and a little unnerving) that the reason I'm not dead or shooting up under a highway overpass really just boils to random coincidences and turns of chance here and there.
Thanks for another great post.
i absolutely agree, the invisible hand guides you to where you are now. and i agree that we should always be grateful for where we are in life!
yawn yawn....so boring when u sober...i keed i keed!!!
only 200pennies left? maybe consider what ben the rent does as a little sideline lol
While we are all saying thankyou - good thing we aren't American or we would be a couple of months late. Thanks for a dailyish good read, and a peak into your soul.
Do you do a diary every day; and how long have you been doing that -I tried it once when I was at uni but stopped very quickly through lack of discipline. I keep thinking about doing it again - but i'm not sure whether it might just be an exuse to indulge my stationery fetish with a visit to Staples.
The other thing i've been trying to do more is take photos - i've built up a collection of photoframes that I don't have anything in.
The NB! at the end of each of your Diary entries - that is nota bene as opposed to something else?
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