Two's company?

I'm really irritated and upset. And just generally fucked off and depressed. And do you know, it's at times like this that I think maybe straight is a viable option.

Tonight I nearly had a repeat of an episode that happened previously with Colleague.

Colleague as you may remember is just that. We went out and used to work together, he now works in a separate part of our (very large) office and see each other for lunch occasionally.

And sometimes he texts me and I go around to his place for a few hours. We don't watch movies when I'm there, mind.

So I'm just finished at gym, around 7pm and a text appears from Colleague. "You fancy coming around tonight?"

My gut just says 'Bobby, say no...' but before I know it I'm sitting on his couch.

Before getting there I had explicitly said "It's a week night, a kiss and a fumble's fine - not interested in anything more...". He assured me this is all he wants too.

But having been there just five minutes his phone goes and shortly afterwards there's a knock on the front door.

A guy has magically appeared out of nowhere, was just passing by and pitches up.

Of course I don't want to labour the point because you can see where this is headed and it was really difficult not to completely throw a huge goddam strop.

Colleague has organised something and not told me because had he done so, I wouldn't have traipsed across London.

I go to the kitchen and Colleague follows me there.

"Come on - it'll be fun - he's really fit..."

"You lied to me to get me here and I feel like a hooker and I want to leave".

"Just stay, once you've got your clothes off and the guy is into you, you know you'll have fun..."

On my way out having bitten my lip to avoid getting violent a fourth bloody guy arrives.

It's what this fourth guy said and did that really upset me.

In the hallway he drawls, in his over-confident Antipodean accent; "ah man - you're not going ah ya - why didn't you bastards wait for me (grabbing my arse), I'd love to get more of that..."

I laughed and thought "you cnut", with a capital 'K'!

At the door Colleague tried again to get me to stay but I said no. In the background one of the guys was already unfurling a piece of folded up paper.

Firstly I'm irritated that I was lied to. I'm irritated that I was there to up the numbers because one of the guys thought I'd be great naked.

"Yeah, once I've done with one of you I'll have a go with your mate". Not.

Sitting on the Tube back home I deleted Colleague's number from phone. It's the last time he makes me feel like a QX slag and I'm not speaking to him again.

And I looked at the straight couples sitting on the Tube.

Are their lives about group sex on a Monday night? And gear. And "horned-up chem sessions..." and "I'd really love to watch you fuck my mate" or "did you bring porn" or "anyone bring lube?" or "..."; I could go on. So I will...

It's not just sex and threesomes and boyfriend-swapping and porn and "ooh, look, he's fit" and "shall I log onto Gaydar and see if anyone else is about" and all set to the sound of some vacuous Kylie Minogue song.

I'm glad I left and I'm glad I kept my knickers on because at least there's some dignity in that. Or in this shallow world of "gay" is leaving with your dignity a sign that you're just uptight?

I think what's really upset me is that the two other guys were quite fit-looking blokes. Like you, like me. Is everyone doing it am I just the prude?

I hate it. Being gay is not about feeling shit because you walked out on the chance of a group shag.

Or am I just missing the whole fucken point?

Those drag queens at Stonewall in the 60s or whenever didn't risk getting beaten within an inch of their lives just so that poofs on Monday night could tally up for an orgy.

There has to be more to it than this. Or is this what being gay's all about?