Nail them

I'm developing an acrid dislike for this guy at the gym. Let's call him er, Fuckwit and he has a Sidekick too.

Fuckwit has done nothing to me, he has never spoken to me. But that doesn't matter.

He comes with his mate - who I loathe too but not as much - and as they change they pose in the mirror.

Fuckwit and his mate think they are both fucking Adonises. In their minds they really see themselves as fit and beautiful. In reality they're not - and very far from it.

After they have admired themselves in the mirror they take to the gym floor, chests pumped out.

Fucknut and his mate unpack the heaviest weights, try to lift them, drop them and then don't pack them away. They then stand around and admire themselves in the mirror some more.

"God, we are chick magnets", is what I imagine them saying to themselves. Idiots.

They strut around the fucking gym floor like peacocks in a pigsty, complete with loose-fitting designer Nike tank-tops which show off their wobbly arms.

Fucknut has dark straight hair which he slicks back and he has hairy shit around his mouth in the style of George Michael.

His little sidekick Titwank Jnr also has dark hair which he spikes.

When I see these two - like Dumb and Dumbo - I want to walk up to them and blast them, like the alien does to the old woman in the Aphex Twin video.

"You're not fit. You're not muscular. You're fat and what you have is not muscle.
You are not Arnold goddam Schwarzenegger ... so stop trying to fucking lord it up as though you are.
You are a pair of fucking lard-arses and you're getting in everyone's fucking way, so fuck off you stupid fucking cunts."

Having stutting around in the gym for about 30 minutes they then make their way back to the changeroom where they take off their vests and again pour over themselves in the mirror.

Two delusioned straight boys who think that they are fit for the next Abercrombie catalogue. Is there anything worse than an arrogant straight man who thinks he's been delivered to earth, by God himself?

I keep saying to myself that I'm going to ignore them because why should I be riled by two arrogant idiots? I really loathe everything about them.

But make no mistake - slowly and surely, I am drawing my plans against them.

On a more postive note though I saw Jack again, the man I am going to marry.

This is the third occasion I have seen him this week and I have to say that things are going er, well they're not.

I do chest and he does chest. I do lats and hey presto there he is behind me. And tonight again he glances at me and I immediately look the other way. Why do I keep bloody doing this? Shit.

I'm still not sure whether he's actually even gay. Maybe he wants to say "do you mind if we share machines since we both seem to be doing the same routine."

I am going to get the following T-shirt printed. I figure it's my only chance.

After I finished I was getting ready to shower when in he walks wrapped in a white towel.

He is so seriously fit - and glancing at him I realise that when I finally do nail him, the first thing I'm going to put my lips to his lower back.

I can hardly snap pictures but this should give you some idea...

Will someone please just find him and bring him to me. Now. (I say this everytime, in the vain hope that...)