Not bottling it

The last two days have been so fucking tough work-wise. The last few hours have been hell personally.

The short story's that last night we were working out of London which always means that some of us are going to go out and get drunk. Just as I did.

So I've battled with a hangover today.

And when you're feeling shit and you get home after two fucken long days there's nothing nicer than another drink.

There's one voice inside me going, "Bobby, don't drink. It makes you feel like shit, it makes you fat, it makes you depressed, it makes you broke."

The other voice inside keeps chanting, "drink, yum, yum, full-bodied red, Pinot-Noir, yes, yum, drink!. Drink!"

I can't buy a bottle and have one glass because it means the bottle is still sat on the kitchen top. And that means I'll just polish it off tomorrow.

When or if I start I can't, don't or won't stop until I pass out.

Once I have a glass it's like the demons take over. I find myself walking to the shop on auto-pilot. My brain is going "Bobby, stop and turn back. Don't go drinking anymore..." but for some reason I can't stop it. Or myself.

Weeks go by when I don't even think about alcohol. Tonight's been different.

I'm tired, having had a huge slab of stress lifted off me and perhaps a little bored. I want just one drink.

I've done some washing, tidied up and munched on some almonds. Anything to take my mind off wanting alcohol.

I've always said that I would never become an alcoholic because I would hate to not be able to enjoy a glass of wine.

I love the taste of wine. I love the tradition of wine. I love opening a bottle and smelling the cork, especially if it's a beautiful South African red. I love pouring it and taking the first sip.

I love it when I'm able to taste it and go "god, this is big, fat, bold and scrumptious."

And a bottle later I'm onto another one. And the next morning I'm upset. Depressed. I don't go to gym. I stuff my face with food. I put on weight.

I've been there before. At 110kgs, I've so been there.

I'm going to go to bed. And tomorrow I'm going to wake up sober and without a hangover. I'm going to feel like a million dollars and I'm going to savour it - so that I can remember it the next time I'm desperate for booze.

Writing this has really helped too, thanks for listening. For now at least; wine? Whatever...

Bobby's Dodgy Music Collection CD #10

Phil Collins is a schmuck, he apparently divorced his wife by fax. But he can be so forgiven because of his music.

I love Genesis (something I inherited from my mother) hence I think Phil Collins is genius. But Seriously... is another of my prized albums. My favourite track is of course "I Wish It Rain Down", which was playing at a party when I first kissed a girl. Her name was Kerry.

I have a copy of this CD that my mum bought in South Africa and on the back of the album sleeve in big black letters it's stamped: "PHIL COLLINS IS TOTALLY OPPOSED TO THE POLICY OF APARTHEID". Legend.