Anything to declare?

I went to meet a friend at Heathrow this morning who's come to London for business. Being there reminded me of the one thing I always say when I'm flying somewhere (I'm so boring I recycle my jokes...)

Airport worker: "Sir, do you have anything sharp on you?"
Me: "Well... only my wit!"

The staff member usually laughs and then I do too.

And then I think; "haha, I got away with using that same old joke again". And then she thinks "fuck-me if one more person says that fucking line I'm going to shove them down the goddam baggage carousel".

But then I started to think. What if I was forced to declare something? What would I say?

Well, the best thing about blogs is that you can say and do whatever you like. So, just for the hell of it, I want to do that.

"So yes, I do have a few things to declare."

1/ The PIN of the card to my primary bank account is 3335.

2/ I once did a line of Charlie before going to work because I'd been out the whole night before and needed sharpening up. I told colleages that I hadn't slept because of noisy neighbours and that I was buzzed because I'd drank too many Red Bulls. It happened about four years ago and I'm still employed so I must have got away with it.

3/ At University once, studying in the library while bored and horny, I went to a private area in the humanities section and whacked one out, all over the books on the second-from-bottom shelf. Apologies that that's so crass.

4/ While at Uni I also shagged one of my course lecturers in his office. Well, not really shagged, we fumbled and he got down on his knees. He was in his 30s, an athlete and quite fit. But he had a small willy.

5/ I piss in the showers at the gym. Although I don't feel too bad about this one because other people wank in the showers and cum all over the floor. That's why you should wear flip-flops in any sort of communal cleaning area.

Moving on...

So I'm on Facebook but I've grown very bored of it and hardly use it now.

The down-turn in my enthusiasm came when our boss set up his own Facebook page and added all of us, the staff, as his mates. Because he only had about 10 friends it was pretty obvious if we didn't add him.

And do you really want your boss looking at your pictures or reading your status, like: "Bobby is aching after too many hours in the fuck-sling at Hard-On". Or whatever.
(Haven't been to Hard-On* and don't intend to, but...)

I know you can make things private but it kinda takes the fun out of the whole thing.

Anyway, Bookface is great for finding people you ain't seen in a while. Er, that's euphemism for "past shags".

So I found one of the guys I had an interaction with when I lived in Cape Town but all I could see was his little picture and his friends.

Now is it just me or...

Here are just some of his "friends":

Now Facebook is a little more "legit" than Myspace when it comes to things like this but can anyone have so many fit guys as their friends?

Here are more of his "mates"..:

Don't believe me? Check out these guys: Calvin Ribeiro, Andy Ashton and Craig Montgomery from Houston. I thought these kind of men only existed in airbrush heaven!?

Seeing guys like that makes me feel fat, ugly and worthless. So I'm going to down a box of laxatives and then head off to the gym to pump up my self-esteem.

* = Hard-On is a sex / fetish club in Vauxhall for people who like to er, the website should give you an idea of what goes on. For god's sake don't look at it at work because you'll get sacked: http://www.hardonclub.co.uk/

Bobby's Dodgy Music Collection CD #2
Being objectionable can be fun which is why I love Lil' Kim. And anyone who can rap the following lyrics deserves respect:

Dan, my nigga from down South
Used to like me to spank him and cum in his mouth

or what about:
Grab some tissues and close your eyes
And imagine your tongue in between my thighs

or my favourite:
All I wanna do is get my pussy sucked
And count a million bucks in the back of an armored truck

If you wanna annoy / grossly offend / make the neighbours hate you for life, this album will do it in about one song.
Favourite track: How Many Licks. Obviously.